If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

The end of 2009 brings with it the closing of a decade of learning experiences. Having been born in 1980, my twenties perfectly coincide with this past decade, and I believe that my twenties provided me with a lifetime of learning. I'm hoping that this next decade, i.e., my thirties, will be happier than my turbulent twenties. I hope to use the wisdom I've had to gain first-hand to begin anew in 2010, as I usher in my thirties. I've found myself of late repeating over and over again the words of John Greenleaf Whittier: "Of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these: 'It might have been!'" And while these words are very apropos at the moment, I'm also reminded of the following phrase: "This too shall pass." And the words of my mother's father, my Grandpa, that "[t]here's nothing like the next one to get you over the last one!"

I know that we each pass through countless trials in this mortal experience, as we learn to continually hold fast to the iron rod, even though we're surrounded by mists of darkness. The key is to not lose sight of our goal: eternal life with our families to whom we are sealed, living together in the presence of He who created us. I know that we each chose to come down here in the flesh in order to be tested and tried, that we may choose liberty (eternal life) over death (captivity). We chose free agency over a free pass in the preexistence, even though we knew the pains and agonies we would encounter and endure would be great. But is anything of value easily obtained? Do we appreciate anything which comes easily and without sacrifice, endurance, diligence, and constancy? Can we truly appreciate life's beautiful experiences without having also experienced life's hardships and duress?

I know that it is through life's many trials that we are refined, made stronger, purged of our impurities. I've often said that I would never trade my trials for anybody else's, for I know that I can handle my own burdens, but I do not know that I could endure my neighbor's.

The first decade of the 21st century brought with it many beautiful things to me and my family: three nieces, two nephews, my graduation from BYU in 2002, exciting trips to Europe and Latin America, and my gorgeous shih-tzu, Angel, my constant companion these past three years. It also brought with it the amazing opportunity to purchase and sell my first home, thus affording me the opportunity to pay cash for my current home (I was one of the lucky ones who bought and sold at exactly the right times). I'm blessed beyond measure to be in excellent health, completely debt-free and educated. And I couldn't ask for a more supportive, righteous, wonderful family, all of whom (of my immediate family) live right here in Phoenix. No, I'm not blind to my many blessings, my membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, citizenship in the greatest country in the world, my true friends who have stood beside me and, when necessary, behind me to buoy me and lift my spirits when I've passed through my most difficult trials.

Unfortunately, my twenties also brought with them many learning experiences, which is to say many opportunities to be humbled by the refiner's fire. Who would have thought when I was graduating as valedictorian of my high school class in 1998, going to BYU on an academic scholarship, that I would end up twice divorced, and lose one-fifth of my immediate family to untimely death by 2009? I have been humbled beyond measure, I have learned first-hand of the power of the Atonement of Christ to comfort me when I am in need of more comfort than can be obtained from family or friends. I have turned to prayer, to scripture study (both modern and ancient), and to faith, for it is faith that replaces our fear of failure.

My husband filed for divorce on December 24, 2009, Christmas Eve, the one-year anniversary of our engagement. What a dichotomy these two Christmases presented: the former such great, incredible joy, the latter such profound disappointment. While I'm yet in the storm of divorce, I know that this too shall pass. I know that this trial, like the trial of my first marriage and subsequent divorce and the trial of losing my brother to a pulmonary embolism when he was only 34, will make me a stronger, more resolute, more service-oriented follower of Christ. For it has been said that adversity is the refiner's fire that bends iron, but tempers steel (James E. Faust). Because of my most recent heartache, I will be even more empathetic to those who pass through hardship and disappointment, a woman with greater wisdom and understanding as a result of the trials I endured while in my twenties.

There is a proverb which states that a wise man learns from the mistakes of others, a fool by his own. I am afraid that I am not yet a wise woman, for even still I have need to learn from my own mistakes. I am humiliated to have chosen twice to marry men who did not honor our temple covenants, who did not view marriage as eternal and sacred as do I. I am not without fault, I am not perfect, but I strive toward righteousness and I yearn for exaltation. I forgive them both, and I wish them happiness in the paths they have chosen to walk without me by their sides. There are yet great things awaiting me, if I but continue to hold fast to those things which I know to be true and of an eternal nature.

I've learned great lessons from life's adventures over the past decade. In family, I've learned how lost I would be without the knowledge of eternal families, eternal life, and the sealing ordinances of the Priesthood, by which that which is bound on earth is bound in heaven. There is no greater comfort than this knowledge: that my family, though separated by the veil from my brother at present, will be reunited and whole again at the end of this mortal sojourn if we but continually hold fast and endure to the end.

I've also learned lessons regarding the selection of an eternal companion. I will not discuss these lessons, as they're very personal to me. Perhaps in mortality I will not be blessed with another opportunity to marry. Perhaps I have squandered both my chances in being too naive and in confusing incredible courtships with love. But I will say this: it is better to be captain of one's self and single, than to be married to one who does not view temple marriage as a sacred covenant. The sorrow in divorce for me isn't in the loss of one's companion (for who would want to be married to one who chooses not to love or respect you anyhow?), but the sorrow is in the loss of the dream of what might have, nay, what should have been. The sorrow is in knowing that you, because of your broken sacred marriage, have let down and disappointed your Father in Heaven. The sorrow is in coming to grips with the fact that you cannot make choices for another, for we each have our free agency, and you cannot change a person's mind for him as to whether or not he should love you. The sorrow is in having to overcome the humiliation of having yet another failed marriage under your young, 29-year-old belt. The sorrow is in knowing that the most important decision we make in this life, i.e., the decision of whom we are sealed to, I made incorrectly not one time, but two. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.

Yes, I learned lessons. Painful lessons. But lessons just the same. And it is thus that we are able to learn the principles that govern this world and the standards of the gospel of Jesus Christ. It is thus that we learn wisdom beyond our years. It is thus that we are refined, and made worthy to take part of the Atonement of Christ so that when we are resurrected, we will be worthy to stand side-by-side with those who have gone before us, who have passed through more trials than any of us will ever experience.

Indeed, my twenties were for learning from my own mistakes, and for learning from those things which weren't mistakes at all, but inevitabilities of mortality, i.e., death. So here's to the dawning of a new decade. Here's to lessons learned from the past, to happiness and health for the present, and to the wisdom to make better decisions today and tomorrow. Here's to not relying on a time table for when I should have been married, when I should have had babies, when I should have done this or that. Here's to faith replacing fear, here's to finding happiness in serving others, here's to focusing on our blessings and replacing our anguish with an attitude of gratitude. Here's to no longer repeating over and over again, "It might have been!"

I'm grateful for the United States of America, for the freedoms we experience in this great, blessed land. I'm grateful for my eternal family. I'm grateful for my membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I know that we are led today by a true and living Prophet, President Thomas Monson. I know that it is through scripture study that we are made stronger and more able to bear this life's turbulence. I know that this life is a period of preparation, and that our trials bless us in bringing us closer to our goal of perfection, because it is through our trials that we are humbled and brought down upon our knees in order to receive strength from Heavenly Father to endure. And I know that as we endure life's lessons we are refined, and made stronger, akin to steel which has passed through the refiner's fire. I know that without the bad, we would not taste the good, for we wouldn't recognize the difference.

And thus ends 2009. Welcome, 2010. I do not regret the past decade, for I learned much wisdom. My prayer is that I can use said wisdom to make for a brighter, more successful, happier decade to come. After all, if at first you don't succeed, try, try again.